Thursday, March 10, 2016

Chaos

The airplane surges up and down as an amusement park ride without a track, my stomach tries to keep up with each dip, and my head is filled with life insurance policy questions. While not truly afraid, the anxiety rises as the turbulence seems to drone on and on, not breaking as it normally does.

F*. This is like my life. Somehow the chaos and the bumps never seem to stop. Oh this weekend, oh next week, oh next month, those will be better. I'll have less to do, more time, fewer demands, and some room to breathe. But I didn't count on that illness happening, or that storm, or that part of the house to break, or that work problems, or that crazy person, or whatever... The uncontrolled part of life rapidly outweighs the small part that I get to claim ownership on. Even my sleep obeys some clock that is not my own.

This is the definition of chaos. I am the definition of chaos. Random occurrences that happen all at once, in no particular matter, with no discernible reason. Why does the car break down on the day when I cannot miss a meeting? Why does my kid sleep in only on days when I cannot be late? Why does she wake up early on weekends?! Why does my computer break when I am writing an important report?

The more anxiety one feels and feeds into the universe, the more the universe seems to laugh. The more in control I am, the more out of control things spin beyond my grasp. Oh, and I know better.

Don't lecture me about what I can and cannot do. I have given that lecture plenty of times. Don't remind me of the healing elements of yoga, massages, and exercise. I cannot find even find enough time to get my hair cut. Don't dare mentioning how a better diet might help. I'm proud of myself for eating anything. I know about priorities.

All those cute little memes that come across my Facebook feed about making sure to keep the first thing first, and to feed your heart... those things are lame. I could write them - I'm all cute and poetic and shit. See, all this chaos is because I love life. Because I drink it in. Because I cannot stand to miss a moment. And because I'm a fixer. Because I do wanna suck the marrow... there is little time for rest. Because I cannot change the world if I'm not in it.

So this is my chaos. It is bumpy. And sometimes it makes me nauseous. The plane levels out for a few minutes long enough for me to write this. And that is just long enough.

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